Last night frenzy has subsided and am considerably calmer than I was before, not that I am in a better condition than before but have decided to not let it all slip away so easily. Am going to fight tooth and nail and am going to win. It’s really strange what a nights sleep can do to your whole psyche. I guess I still have a chance after all... May be raven will fly again..

But fly to where?? Am astonished actually at the changes I have gone through. May be I have matured, may be have realized the taste of ambitions or may be I have painted myself in the colors of pure greed, I don’t really know the answer , but suddenly I find myself worried about materialistic wants and dreams. May be it’s a classic example of how your environment moulds you. All I hear day in and day out is the pay package we would be landing up with when we somehow get through with our MBA degree. No humanity there. Just Pure greed. I look at people around me , Friends , colleges , acquaintances .. All running in the same rat race in which I form an insignificant part off .. All driven by this insatiable lust to better the next person and squirm there way ahead of the previous rat to have the biggest chunk of the cheese . Its really a pitiful sight to see nearly 434 rats clamoring in those huddled halls, fighting there way for the chunks of cheese these sinister firms throw at us. Somehow I never get to the cheese before them. I think I should sharpen my fangs and get ready for those underhanded tricks that give those fat rats the push. Somehow I can never bring myself to allow myself to sink below the lines of decency and fair play. Yet results matter and the importance of path is diminishing with each passing day. May be I , too have now started to feel the importance of the destination keeping fair play at stake . I have definitely changed.

Why such sudden change that has made me hate myself in the deepest part of my soul?? All I wanted to do was write. Writing had always freed me from all the pains that had ever surrounded me . It helped me during those lone times when I had no one to hold on to and needed to cry on someone’s shoulder. My words had been my ally for time uncountable, but now somehow I feel like I am deceiving my words or am disgracing them simply because they come from me. My words have dried up and my thoughts have all faded away. I sit often, with this blank Microsoft page open and try to put ink to paper in hope that I might regain my ability or my gift that made me truly believe and realize what I am and what my life was meant to be . But still it escapes me . May be I am no more worthy enough to carry the gift. May be it’s the price I have to pay for being turning into a materialistic jerk.

** Particular post was written in a pretty doleful mode on October 13th @ 2006

Past few days had been difficult for me and past few hours absolutely gruesome as I tried to come in terms with my atrocious college results, which could very well signify end of many of my corporate dreams before it could even take its 1st step. Don’t really mean to sound like a whipped dog at the moment, but somehow couldn’t help acting like one, which in turn is my primary concern for the moment. Why do I feel so lost?? Its not like I had never actually faced the same situation previously in my life or neither is the same dilemma all mine when I share the fate of many of my co students, but then why do I find letting go of this fact that things happened and now it’s time to move on and savor the future, so hard to accept. May be it is because this was the 1st time in my life when I really wanted to perform not because others wanted me to , but because I wanted to prove myself to me and needless to say I have failed miserably. I have let myself down and in relation to which there are whole series of people whom I have denied that well deserved smile which was related to my happiness. Where did I go wrong?? May be it’s the fault of my esteemed institution ( Pun Intended ) or maybe I am not intelligent enough to make it out there. I have lost belief in myself. I knew I can go the distance, its just that I cant make myself to believe that there is something better waiting for me academically. Days subsequent to my results I have spent a considerable amount of time in self pity and in a silent state of mourning. Being branded as the class or may be the batch dope doesn’t really go easy with ones belief and mine is pretty much shaken up at the moment. I don’t really ask for much , never had actually asked for much all my life anyway. All I want is a some peace and some self belief and a chance to give a shape to all my dreams and aspirations so that I can give it a pristine reality . I pray and I pray and I pray that this mistake of mine doesn’t cost me my whole future because if it does, I might not survive. ( Sorry the whipped dog syndrome is still kicking in).